Murder in the Cafeteria

Murder in the Cafeteria

Erin Duane '20 Young, innocent, awkwardly short, a freshman clings to their paper triangle that holds their pizza as they take a courageous step forward. Glancing to the left and to the right, they see no danger, but they are wrong. A woman, maybe a teacher...No! A senior enters the cafeteria. Fear strikes the freshman as the girl parades aimlessly towards the cereal. She casually twists the handle and fills her bowl with Fruit Loops. Grabbing milk on her way, the senior heads towards the checkout line, but not towards the back of it. The freshman takes a sharp inhale…
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Tik-Tok is Our Savior

Lance Chou '20 In a world plagued with climate change, gun violence, poverty, and corruption, the youth of the world turn to social media to distract themselves from the evils of society. Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, and even the ever watching Facebook shed a positive light that allows users to express themselves freely online. Unfortunately, they all pale in comparison to TikTok. So what is TikTok you may ask? TikTok is a social media platform that enables users, known as TikTokers, to make short videos showing off their “talent,” superb lip-syncing, and comedic expression. So what’s the big deal? TikTok grants…
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SHP Parking: Anti-American?

SHP Parking: Anti-American?

Grady Hornbeek '20 & Paul Komin '20 When Jefferson, Adams, and Franklin finished their first draft of the Declaration of Independence, they thought about what else they should add. They decided to change the fundamental rights of all people from “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” to “life, liberty, and senior parking privileges.” Since that day, the parking rights that each of the senior classes at SHP who preceded us have indulged in were defended with tooth and nail, never faltering to the control of the Administration.  This year, however, the age of freedom and guaranteed parking spots came…
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End Early Christmas

End Early Christmas

Erin Duane '20 While some people may argue that an early arrival of Christmas festivities helps them get through the last bit of the semester and feel jolly, some people are idiots. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas, and this has very little to do with “disrespecting” Thanksgiving, but what makes a holiday special is that it’s just that...a holiDAY. I’m not suggesting that Christmas should only be celebrated on the 25th, but if God intended us to sing carols for two full months, then there would surely be more than one hit Christmas song. On a related note,…
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D.I.Y. Halloween Costumes

D.I.Y. Halloween Costumes

Margaret Charlton '22 D.I.Y. Halloween costumes are usually not very good and tend to look half done, but other times, D.I.Y. costumes look like they are professionally done and were just made to show off how great the person is at sewing. However strong your D.I.Y. costume skills are, here are some ideas. Let’s start with the classic black cat or whatever color you plan to be, maybe purple, just go for it. Get pants or shorts and a top that are the same color. Next, get some matching socks and shoes that are preferably a similar color. Then add…
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Freshman Formal

Lance Chou '20 It’s a week before formal and you are panicking because you don’t know who you are going to ask. You are pacing around your house trying to figure out who the lucky lady will be, since formal is going to solidify your place in society for the rest of your life. You think about the encounters you’ve had with girls, where they didn’t pretend not to hear you, in the past few weeks, none come to mind. You ask around, but remember that all your friends died in the great freshman famine of 2019.  “AH-HA” you exclaim…
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Suburban Dictionary

Bennett Kruse '21 Caucasity /kô’kasId?/ noun. the audacity of a caucasian person to do something disrespectful “Jessica had the caucasity to ask me where I got my Supergas from, knowing damn well I was wearing Golden Gooses.” Closed Campus /kl?zd/ /’kampIs/ noun. The illusion of not being able to leave campus during school hours “Despite our closed campus, I got everyone’s Coffee Bar order during my free.” Frobstacle Course /’fräbstIk(I)l/ /kôrs/ noun. The upperclassmen journey around the freshman who block the hallways in Homer “The Frobstacle Course was daunting today.” Stress Attire Shoes /stres/ /I’t?(I)r/ /SHuus/ noun. Tennis shoes you…
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Kairos: SENIORS TELL ALL

Lance Chou '20 & Paul Komin '20 The moment lowerclassmen hear about the secretive senior retreat known as Kairos, they are infatuated with the idea and want to know exactly what happens on such a mysterious experience. At least, that was how we reacted when we first caught word of the trip in our freshman year. And yet, since its creation, not one student has broken their vow of confidentiality -- or “spilled the beans”, as they say -- about the events that transpire on each Kairos retreat. Today, we will make SHP history and change that narrative by publishing…
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Bocce Ball: The Art of the Gods

Spencer Lee '20 & Grady Hornbeek '20 What is “America’s Pastime”? For years, baseball was hailed as America’s most popular sport. Then, football reigned supreme over all other sports. But, after years of football and baseball sitting at the top, there is finally another contender. Bocce ball, a sport created by the Ancient Romans, is the new hot American sport. As hardcore bocce ball fan Lance Chou ‘20 explains, “I love bocce ball because I get to roll balls, and it is fun to watch.” Not much is known about bocce ball, but bocce ball conspiracy theorists, such as SHP’s…
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